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I am
could you just embrace me again?
... once more...
into those deepening cold nights,
would you... once more hold me?
I am... waiting here
as if cocooned by the thread of your sin
but still... I am waiting for you through horizons
so then, could you just embrace me?
like that sleepless night,
let us once again hold hands...
let us just ignoring the gap between our way
don't run away now
I just need you here... embrace me...
should we say goodbye now?
on those countless nights, will I be able again...
seeing you
smiling
lost in my sadness...
I am... trapped by my dreams,
will you be there?
embrace me just once more
before the dawn erases,
and the lost you...
once again... lost...
Simple this...
Date: 23062005
HOI!!!! RAAANNN DESUUU!!!
NYOK... it's kinda chill in here. sitting and doing some researchment in my lab. Nee... I kinda miss my CMX..
I do don't really know what is going on in my life these days... bout sumthin I could not let go yet pain still lingering.
Oh yeah... I said that I have somekind of worries in my head, that I wihed it could dissappear soon. It did... but somehow and sometime, it just pop out from nowhere and made me scared.
Oh yeah... her I wanna THANX Yudhi... for correcting my PC... AGAIN... sorry for the trouble. And pleaseeee...... don't laugh at me coz my stupidity of handling PC's parts. I know I'm quite LESS there.
Nyhaaaaahahaha.... I'll be going now. Still have sooooooo many things to do now.
Ja!!!
Sumthin to say...
Date: 16062005
Waaaaaiiiiiii.......
Ran desu!!!
Etoo... I don't really know what to say. I just clicking around in here. Well... actually... I have something in my mind.
Yet... I also know that I'm not suppose to do that. Umm... I met a guy in my campus, well... I don't really know him at first,
and we're just passing through each other without saying anything. But not these days...
We've been talking and studying together for almost a week by now. And I just felt something different in his eyes, in those times
when he looked at me, on times when he accidentally held my hand. I feel so awkward now.
Hmm, I just don't want him to feel different with me. We're just friends... and I just can't give him more. I hope that he could
understand somehow...
Hehehe... on the other hand... I also can't deny that he got the looks. I almost fall for him once. But nyaaah... stop thinking
about looks now.
I have somekind of worries these days... but I can't figure it what and why. It suddenly popped out of my head and I felt
somekind of fears inside my brain. I hope this will be over soon.
Bye now...
Ran.
Stupid Day
Date: 06062005
HAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What's WRONG of being HAPPY?????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Can't you SEE IT that I wanted to be happy... for just once. Just once...
for these 365 days... could I just feel happiness?? I hate being helpless like this. I hate being unable to change myself...
or else... change someone I love to be able of making me feel a little happiness for just once on these 365 days I spent.
What is so wrong with that?? I just want to be love. For just a second in my life... could someone please understand me?
I don't need every day... I don't need times for this kinda stupidity. But for once... can I be just egoist as anybody else??
Just for once...
I hate to understand everybody's feeling, I hate to be caught inside my sadness and drown in my tears just thinking for
other people... so please... for just once,
"COULD I HAVE SOMEONE TO THINK OVER MY HAPPINESS??? COULD I JUST HAVE SOMEBODY
TO LOVE AND UNDERSTAND ME AS MUCH AS I UNDERSTAND OTHERS???"
I'm growing tired of this... but how can I let go? I am just a weak little creature... begging for happiness.
NYOK~~~NYOKK~~
Date: 05062005
Hoi!!
Ran desu...
Genki??
Ehm!! ore wa heki da yooooo......
Nyahahahahahaha........(Nande kono onna?? *_*)
Eeemm... I'm kinda happy today... (doushiyou??). Eto... subarashii na koto ga aru dakara!! (Nande??) Unnn... himitsu!! Nyan~
Well... I was wondering and thinking on so much "KOWAI" things of me lately. (Nanda tte kowakutanda koto??) Hmm... ienakatta kedo.
But I'm soooooooooo happy happy happy happy happy!!!! Coz wut, things that scared me lately didn't happen... yay!!
And it's about my health and whatsoever.
So the story begins...
I was thinking and thinking and thinking bout my health and this body of mine that utterly began to become weak each and every
day. Nee... I'm having soooooooo many many many many taskssssssss lately, and it drives
me CRAZY!!! And of course, sucks my energy
too. And suddenly... during those thoughtfull days of depression...
Riiiinnnngggg..... riiiiiiiiinnnngggggg........
Moshi... moshi...
Can I speak with Ran??
Ore wa Ran desu. Dare desu ka??
*Beeeepp* desu!!
Hoi!! Nani o ikiru deshoo??
So that "Person" told me this..."Umm... Ran, I have to tell you something. I had a dream about you... and actually...
whenever I have this kind of dream... I'm always right about that." And after convincing me that "The Person's" dream can tell
the right things. That person told me, "I dreamt that I met you and you told me you had a problem with your body and something.
A problem with your stomach or whatsoever..."
THADUMP~~~~!!! And it's true. I do had some problems with my body lately... but I never thought about it more, since I have so
many things I had to think over. And had no time to consider on my health... But then, that "Person" SCARED me so deep. I became
so much in my stress and all I could do just crying. Wondering what was the problem inside my body. And of course... it made me
so much into my pain and made me sick even more.
And today... after I checked out my health... NOTHING!!!! NOTHING WRONG with me. NOTHING's wrong with my stomach. Those
sickness I "FEAR" lately was simply of my STRESSFULL MIND of thinking on that "Person's" dream that I was sick.
Oh pleaseeee... if someone have any HINT about my OWN LIFE and BELIEVE it was right. Please... tell me with a different way, and
please.... check my "MENTAL CONDITION" before telling me. I was so stress lately and that "person's dream" made me stress even more.
By the way... thanx for telling me.
But here I am...
NICE AND HEALTHY!!! Nyahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! Thank you MY LORD... for giving me health again.
Ja!!
WWAAAAIIII!!!
Date: 01062005
Nyan~!! Ran here...
haaaooommm.... i'm kinda sleepy here. Stranded and doing soooo many things in the net. Whuiih...
OOHHH MY GOD!!!! HYDE was reaalllllyyyyyyy cool!!! SUGOIIIII dane!!! Oooh.... he's really cute. Oh my...
nee... I want him. And GAckt??? What's with the guy...?? Hmmm.... kinda confuse.
JA!!
MISSING
Date: 11052005
Ran desuuu....
Still here... figuring why the memory clenches again into my brain. Well... the story goes when Rin came to my house last Friday.
Tried to pick me up and celebrate her birthday. Oh yeah... TANJOUBI OMEDETTO RIIINN!!!! Okay umm... I just don't know myself,
but I felt that MISSING thing when I saw her.
And I was wondering to ask her the question that popped out in my head that day, "Rin... is there a news of MAX?" But I just
couldn't. For knowing that it's over between me and him... between all the things with him. It's a never ending wish of hoping
to see him, the unsettled question of wanting to talk to him again... I just miss him so dear sometimes.
Those bitter and sweet memories with him just won't fade into my vast mind inside this brain. And I keep memorizing him each and
every time I encounter things related with him. And all the time... I keep asking, "Why it has to end like this?"
I do really like him at that time... time when he talked to me with those loud voices, time when he held my hand, time when
he laughed with me. And now, there will be no time for me to rehearse with him.
There will be no word from him again... and I have to let go now.
If only you were still here,
If only time wasn't against us, and we are still walking in the same path...
I just wished that I could be there...
Holding your hands again...
another hard day
Date: 26052005
Hoi...
It's not a good day for me. Though it is such a bless to have another day in my life. But today... I'm feeling such a pain
today. I don't know myself. Sometimes I just can't figure out how to keep myself with the guy I'm with... but another thing,
I also can't figure out how could I live my live normally without him.
I Just love him so deep now... and I don't know why... I hate him and can't stand being around him sometimes. Life is such
a mistery. And we fought today. I just don't know why... at that time, I just can't afford to lose him, not after I lose so
much before.
And today... again... I realize that I have already lose him. It's such a pain to feel this feeling again. To be someone
not so important is such a throbbing thing. It's hurting me for realizing that I'm not on the first place again. And it's
so sad to know that I am just a burden. I have so many doubts in my head now... so many that make me scare.
I just wished, that I could somehow anguish this feeling and get better soon...
Distance...
Date: 21032005 It's me again...
Pheww... I've been wondering about somethin in my life now. I do really like to
show my feeling toward the guy I like. But I just can't. And after all... he
isn't that kind of guy who still attracted to this "childish" love again. He's a
grown up mature guy... and actually... I just don't know how to deal with it.
It's just something like this...
The biggest distance in the earth
isn't life and death...
but you are right in front of my eyes
yet you don't know that I love you.
Sad huh...?? But it's what I feel now. And I just don't dare to show him what
I'm feeling.
I just don't know how to face him after I say it... and how should I cover up my
emotion if somehow... he doesn't feel anything about me. Oooohhh... I'm so sad
about this.
Oh yeah, I have a friend who deal this kinda problem as me. And we share a lot
bout this.
But why?????? Why he's so kind and caring????? And he did that to everyone.
Well... I hope that I just can find the way out of this.
Just wish me luck...
Confusion binds...
Date: 14032005 Hoi!!
Well... I said that I met a guy before. And I think I just want to talk about it
now...
I met this guy in my church... one of my team mates in the Choir. I just don't
want to be bound with some kind of this "Location Love" or something like that.
But again... I just cannot ignore this.
He is such a mature guy... not as handsome as MAX maybe. But to be beside
him... watching him... it's been a really peace and calming to be there. I just
want to feel that feeling forever...
He's a nice guy... that kind of person which can take me into the right path and
make me into a much better person. I just wish that he have this same
feeling of mine. I want be be by his side... to be someone he can teach about
true happy life...
But again... confusion blocks my way...
I do have someone with me... and I just can't set him go like that... then go
on with that uncertainty someone . But still... I don't feel any certainty with
this one. We have so many different things... so many of it, make me think that
I should not continue this. But how??
I just can't leave him... not when he loves me so much. Not when he already
certain of me in his life...
I just don't know how to deal with this. I can't leave him... I just can't hurt
him. I do know about pain... I know how to continue on living with pain... and I
don't want him to feel it. To feel the feeling of losing someone so dear... and
betrayal...
I am so confuse about this. Should I live my life with someone I don't
certain with... or should I cause more pain longing for that certain
"uncertainty" to come??
Oh God... please help me... show me the way... the only path to my happiness...
I am sorry for things I've done and hurt you...
Ja... -ran-
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